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Answer: A community’s candle lighting time is not the time that all community members are expected to accept Shabbat but is the first formal action done towards that end. The Behag (cited in the Tur and Shulchan Aruch, Orach Chayim 263:10) posits that a woman accepts Shabbat with this lighting. This is true at least for Ashkenazi women (see Rama, ad loc.), who for this reason recite the beracha only after completing lighting (see Darchei Moshe, OC 263:2). (The ruling for Sephardi women is more complicated – see Yabia Omer, IX, OC 24).
However, lighting candles is not a home’s absolute acceptance of Shabbat. For one thing, the Rama (ibid.) allows a woman to not accept Shabbat by lighting by means of even a mental condition. After all, lighting is innately a preparatory act before Shabbat, not an act of Shabbat, such as davening Maariv or making Kiddush. In fact, men do not accept Shabbat when they light candles (Mishna Berura 263:42).
On the other hand, there are several indications that candle lighting it is not merely a technical preparatory act. First, we must light Shabbat candles even if we are happy with the existing light situation and this mitzva is accompanied by a special beracha. Additionally, not everyone allows a woman to make a condition to light candles without accepting Shabbat. We rule it requires a real need (Magen Avraham 263:20; Mishna Berura 263:44; see Shemirat Shabbat K’hilchata 43:24).
Regarding your question, the Rama states clearly that members of the household other than the woman who lights do not accept Shabbat with that lighting. Most men do not want to accept because they want to daven Mincha in shul, which is usually after candle lighting time (women should daven Mincha before (Mishna Berura 263:43)) and often will drive there. In some households, daughters generally accept Shabbat when their mother lights, which has a certain appropriateness to it. However, it is not halacha and in many households, after lighting candles, there may still be work to do. Therefore, it is not always healthy to expect the whole family to be ready or for the mother to feel the pressure that she must be sure everything is taken care of before she lights.
Do not teach your children that their father must cease work after their mother lights candles. Your assumption that it is confusing is based on your assumption that this is proper. To the contrary, it is confusing to see you being careful not to do melacha while neighbors are driving to shul.
Bemare Habazak - Rabbis Questions (657)
Rabbi Daniel Mann
269 - A Rabbi’s Approach to Monetary Problem Solving
270 - Husband Accepting Shabbat with his Wife
271 - Ribbit in a Loan from an Irrevocable Trust Fund
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In short, your wife need not wait for you and should not wait more than a few minutes. Her correct time and yours are not linked.
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