Rabbi Ari Shvat
Question
That is a very good answer. I always imagined / desired that the feeling of completion should be just there and would not involve effort nor it would ever disappear. I see that tests in life and sacrifices will disturb the initial feeling and then effort to build something good is required. Just as for any worthwile pursuit, as you say. I imagined the constant intense feeling to fuel willpower as if some kind of drug that helps marriage and other pursuits running. It seems the willpower should exist on its own. But I still feel scared if willpower can produce the feeling of completion during whole life. The absence of the feeling scares me more than taking care for ten children and working constantly. If only I had the reward of that magic feeling... I would knew that he is my soulmate and I have not made a mistake in marrying him. Thank you again.
Answer
I’d like to give you a concrete solution: Our rabbis teach us that, as opposed to what most people think, it’s not that we give to those whom we love, but to the contrary, the giving is what causes and increases the love. “Tis better to give than to receive” is the more mature way of looking at a relationship, and we see this in many aspects of life. Investing time, effort and money not only express our love for someone or an idea, but actually deepens our connection with them (that’s why generally, mothers have an even more special relationship with their children than fathers, because they spend more time and effort on them). Even when there was a Temple in Jerusalem, God never “needed” sacrifices (for He is perfect and doesn’t lack anything), but the idea was to enable man to feel that he can also give to God (the Hebrew word is “korban”, meaning, “to come closer”), and feel a two-way mature relationship, and not just a childish “taking” one. Similarly, look for ways to give to your husband, cooking and doing the things that he likes (yes, in your personal situation, especially in the bedroom), and eventually you will also get that “feeling”, that your’e much more connected with him. It will also awaken his love to want to please you, as well, as I wrote previously. By all means invest and you will profit!
Read more
