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I'm Finding it Hard to Forgive
What happens if someone does something bad to someone else, but the perpetrator cannot ask forgiveness (because the other one harmed him physically or verbally)? I have a friend who has hurt me very much, more than once. She knows what she did and has asked forgiveness, but she doesn't really know the extent of what she caused me. I spend lots of time with her and I act as if everything is fine, but deep inside I find it hard to really forgive her; I'm still very hurt. I would like to know what I should do so that I can know how to really forgive her. Is there something I could study on this topic, or maybe something that could help me work on my character or something like that?
Rabbi Oriel Twito
Elul 20 5782
Translated by Hillel Fendel
Answered by Rav Uriel Tuito
Question: What happens if someone does something bad to someone else, but the perpetrator cannot ask forgiveness (because the other one harmed him physically or verbally)?
Answer: The question is not 100% clear, so I will answer both possibilities. Perhaps you mean that the offended party is not willing to forgive. In such a case, you are no longer responsible. That is to say, first you must ask forgiveness with total sincerity, and compensate him for whatever damages you caused. If he is not willing to forgive, you should ask again in the presence of three people, and then again in this manner if necessary. Once you have done that, you are in the clear.
But perhaps you mean that you are the one having trouble asking forgiveness, because you don't regret what you did. In such a case, this is something you must do teshuva for. Even if someone hurt you physically or verbally, you can still forgive and forego. This of course is not always easy, and requires strength of character and hard work on one's traits – but it is possible. The more one learns of the value of teshuva and of the greatness of being willing to forego insult, the easier it will be for him to forgive others who have hurt him.
Therefore, the advice given in cases like these is to study mussar works on the value of teshuva, and especially Mesilat Yesharim (The Path of the Just) by Rabbi Moshe Chaim Luzatto (18th century). This work contains detailed guidance on how to improve one's traits and how to overcome the arrogance that makes it so hard to forgive others.
May you be inscribed for a happy new year.
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Answered by Rav Shmuel Holstein
Question: I have a friend who has hurt me very much, more than once. She knows what she did and has asked forgiveness, but she doesn't really know the extent of what she caused me. I spend lots of time with her and I act as if everything is fine, but deep inside I find it hard to really forgive her; I'm still very hurt. I would like to know what I should do so that I can know how to really forgive her. Is there something I could study on this topic, or maybe something that could help me work on my character or something like that?
Answer: First of all, it is very important that the two of you talk it out. Just that alone will help to cool off your resentment, and will even help you understand her side – and she will understand you better as well, of course.
In addition, it would be a good idea to learn the Talmudic passage in Tr. Rosh HaShanah page 17a on the bottom. It describes the great merit and reward of one who is able and willing to forego and forget an insult that was inflicted upon him. The Talmud says that Rav Huna ben Rav Yehoshua took very sick, and burial arrangements were already being made for him. Soon, however, he became healthy – after the Heavenly Court decided that he deserved to live for longer simply because he never used to stand on his own honor and would forego insults. I imagine you, too, would be glad to have the Heavenly Court not be very exact with your faults, right?!
Wishing you great success!
Answered by Rav Uriel Tuito
Question: What happens if someone does something bad to someone else, but the perpetrator cannot ask forgiveness (because the other one harmed him physically or verbally)?
Answer: The question is not 100% clear, so I will answer both possibilities. Perhaps you mean that the offended party is not willing to forgive. In such a case, you are no longer responsible. That is to say, first you must ask forgiveness with total sincerity, and compensate him for whatever damages you caused. If he is not willing to forgive, you should ask again in the presence of three people, and then again in this manner if necessary. Once you have done that, you are in the clear.
But perhaps you mean that you are the one having trouble asking forgiveness, because you don't regret what you did. In such a case, this is something you must do teshuva for. Even if someone hurt you physically or verbally, you can still forgive and forego. This of course is not always easy, and requires strength of character and hard work on one's traits – but it is possible. The more one learns of the value of teshuva and of the greatness of being willing to forego insult, the easier it will be for him to forgive others who have hurt him.
Therefore, the advice given in cases like these is to study mussar works on the value of teshuva, and especially Mesilat Yesharim (The Path of the Just) by Rabbi Moshe Chaim Luzatto (18th century). This work contains detailed guidance on how to improve one's traits and how to overcome the arrogance that makes it so hard to forgive others.
May you be inscribed for a happy new year.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Answered by Rav Shmuel Holstein
Question: I have a friend who has hurt me very much, more than once. She knows what she did and has asked forgiveness, but she doesn't really know the extent of what she caused me. I spend lots of time with her and I act as if everything is fine, but deep inside I find it hard to really forgive her; I'm still very hurt. I would like to know what I should do so that I can know how to really forgive her. Is there something I could study on this topic, or maybe something that could help me work on my character or something like that?
Answer: First of all, it is very important that the two of you talk it out. Just that alone will help to cool off your resentment, and will even help you understand her side – and she will understand you better as well, of course.
In addition, it would be a good idea to learn the Talmudic passage in Tr. Rosh HaShanah page 17a on the bottom. It describes the great merit and reward of one who is able and willing to forego and forget an insult that was inflicted upon him. The Talmud says that Rav Huna ben Rav Yehoshua took very sick, and burial arrangements were already being made for him. Soon, however, he became healthy – after the Heavenly Court decided that he deserved to live for longer simply because he never used to stand on his own honor and would forego insults. I imagine you, too, would be glad to have the Heavenly Court not be very exact with your faults, right?!
Wishing you great success!
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