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- Chemdat Yamim
- Bemare Habazak - Rabbis Questions
Answer: An onen (a close relative of a deceased prior to burial) is exempt from performing positive mitzvot (Berachot 17b) and should not perform them (Tosafot ad loc., based on Yerushalmi, Berachot 3:1; Shulchan Aruch, Orach Chayim 71:1). An onen must not violate Torah-level or Rabbinic negative commandments. It is not obvious whether certain situations relate to positive or negative mitzvot (see Pitchei Teshuva, Yoreh Deah 341:4,6 regarding eating without beracha or netillat yadayim, doing bedikat chametz).
There are opinions that we do not prevent an onen who will not take part in the critical preparations for the burial from fulfilling mitzvot (see Shulchan Aruch ibid.). Many assume that in a place with a chevra kaddisha, the onen is not critically needed (see Panim Meirot II:150; Yalkut Yosef OC 71:16). Nevertheless, we instruct the standard onen not to do mitzvot.
Havdala accomplishes two things: 1. It expresses a proper perspective on the transition from Shabbat to weekdays; 2. It permits doing melacha after Shabbat (Shulchan Aruch, OC 299:1,10). #1 is a positive mitzva, from which an onen is exempt, but arguably removing the prohibition on melacha (#2) is a matter of the negative and should apply to an onen. Nevertheless, the Shulchan Aruch (YD 341:2) rules that an onen makes Havdala only after the burial. Da’at Torah (to YD 341:2) explains that we presume that the prohibition on melacha emerges from the requirement to make Havdala first. Therefore, if he is exempt from Havdala, the prohibition does not exist.
Some sources state that one does not make Havdala but that it remains prohibited to do melacha in matters not connected enough to the burial. For example, Chayim B’yad 125.81 says that the mourners do not do kri’ah on their garments until after the burial and Havdala. While we do not accept this opinion, several poskim (see Shemirat Shabbat K’hilchata 64:26) recommend the compromise of reciting "Baruch hamavdil bein kodesh l’chol," which always makes melacha permitted (see Shulchan Aruch and Rama, OC 299:10). This is best done without intention to thereby perform a "mini-mitzva" of Havdala, but just to remove, if necessary, the prohibition of melacha.
Bemare Habazak - Rabbis Questions (657)
Rabbi Daniel Mann
573 - Ask the Rabbi: A Child Removing a Suction-Held Divider on Shabbat
574 - Ask the Rabbi: When Should an Onen Recite Havdala?
575 - Ask the Rabbi: Hanging and Using Hammocks on Shabbat
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However, these poskim discussed b’di’eved – if one already heard Havdala from another with the intention of both that you fulfill the mitzva. According to the standard opinions (see Beit David, ibid.), an onen should not listen with intent to be yotzei because it fulfills the mitzva of Havdala. (It is a good question (see Shemirat Shabbat K’hilchata ibid.) why poskim do not recommend doing "early Havdala" (see Shulchan Aruch, OC 293:3).)
Therefore, we recommend waiting until after the funeral for Havdala. All of you brought merit to your father’s neshama by handling the halachic challenges as best as you knew.
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