REFINING 'PATIENCE' W/ KIDS WHO LEAVE 'DERECH'

Beit Midrash

Torah Portion and Tanach
Shmot
Mishpatim

קטגוריה משנית

Female Lesson Parashat Hashavua Series'Library Piskei Din (Hebrew)Test Yourself

Q. After dedicating 35 years and so much time and effort in raising and educating our children, how can I deal with the frustration of some of my kids who "left the Derech" of Torah, which is so dear to me? I feel such a failure!
A. Regarding those who received good education in good families, it hurts to say it, but they are also, to a certain extent, victims of other outside factors, as well. It's not just up to us! The super-strong world-wide allurements of smart-phones (whether it be non-stop sports, social media, movies, music, various levels of porn or anything and everything each individual likes), not to mention cannabis, travels to India and South America, and 2 years of war and unprecedented traumas, can and often do distract a person today 24/7 from life and its deeper meaning for years.

The distractions (most of them can be really good mixed together with the problematic!) & temptations are much stronger than ever before, simply because we are in the process of ge'ula, and we must clarify and purify all topics which have yet to "finish" their "tikkun" ("fixing"). The galuti "black and white" simplistic way of protecting children from "outside" factors, doesn't work any more, because BH the world is not where it used to be. We can't ignore that things have changed: the Holocaust, the thriving State of Israel, the gathering of the exiles, liberating Jerusalem, the wars and terror, etc. The "stakes" today are higher than ever before, but so is the Torah more alive, appealing and truer than ever before, in the various yeshivot, midrashot and mechinot, on the internet in any language at any time, which all can (together with the miracles and anti-Semitism of the last 2 years), and often do equalize the stiffest of competitions & distractions. Those who meet and overcome those challenges, rise to unprecedented levels, but that doesn't mean that all of our children will pass the mark before age 35 (many need even more time). Experience has shown that today, ideological maturity and life decisions sometimes can even go into one's 40's.

We must also get used to a broader definition, where in Eretz Yisrael, Torah is not just defined by observing Shabbat, but ALSO through the very serving of Am Yisrael in this long war. Yes, while in battle many of the laws of Shabbat are truly superseded (and are not considered Chilul Shabbat at all), but one can understand that over 2 years one gets "out of the habit" of observing a beautiful and regular Shabbat. Despite the army getting more religious all the time and probably more secular there become religious than vice-versa, it's still a challenge, and the best solution is to build their own home of Torah to where the soldiers return to their wife and kids, when on leave or when finishing their turn in milu'im.

Accordingly, the "Derech" must include a wide 12 lane highway in order that even our own children not "leave the Derech", and also getting used to not all of our children getting married in their young 20's, when it's easiest to build "regular" families of Torah. Those 2 examples of necessary tolerance (both open-mindedness and patience) are actually and precisely an essential part of the historical "Tikkun" of one of the difficult 13 G-DLY TRAITS we emulate: Erech Appayim (literally: patience)!

Hashem also does us a favor- that we also did for ourselves (through increasing care in our health)- that life-expectancy is getting longer, which also contributes to acquiring that G-dly mind-set of patience. In addition, BH in most of our families, we idealistically raised many children, so there are still ENOUGH children who relatively do follow the ways of their parents, to keep us sane and not blame ourselves too much!

Keep on praying, thanking and seeing the good in each and every child, not just in order to keep your sanity, but because these are really true & positive ways of seeing things ("Ayin Tova", see Avot 2, 9 & 11) & acquiring the G-dly ERECH APAYIM.

Mishpatim