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Delay in marriage - Why can't I get married?


Rabbi David Sperling

Cheshvan 8, 5776
Hi, I’m 40 years old girl looking to get married in the past 22 years, but things didn’t work out even though I keep Kosher and all Jewish holidays. I tried all prayers and Tzedakah, lighting Shabbat candles, and I come from a conservative background. I don’t know what to do anymore. Why all of my friends that are very liberal and don’t keep any mitzvot are married with kids and I’m single? I want to get married and have many kids but my age keep going up and soon I’m going to be 41. I do look very beautiful, I’m very thin and attractive and come from a very good family and it is really hard for me to stand in front of everyone as being single at this age and in our community and as myself being alone, it is very hard as I’m depressed. Could you please tell me what can I do so I could meet the man that I wish to be with? I was never been married before and no kids and I really want to get married and have kids. Could you please advice me on something that could help? Thank you.
Shalom, I was touched by the pain I felt in your email – and I send you blessings that you may merit to meet your husband very soon and be blessed to build a faithful house in the Jewish people. There are no spiritual "tricks" or guarantees when it comes to receiving G-d's blessings. There are no ways one can force G-d's hand, and be assured that a certain outcome will ensure. We do know that all mitzvoth and prayers help us and the entire world spiritually. For this reason we are commanded to constantly serve Hashem with all our hearts and efforts – but this is not in order to receive a pay-off from Heaven. So, while you should continue to grow in your prayers and good deeds, you should be aware that they have value in and of themselves, and not expect Hashem to reward you with a husband for those good acts. None the less, prayer and good deeds are certainly beneficial – and may sometimes elevate a person to a spiritual status where Hashem sees fit to help them find their partner in life. At the same time, we are commanded to walk in this world with our own efforts – and not rely of G-d to intervene for us. This means using all the rational means at our disposal to help ourselves in any situation – going to a doctor when sick, getting a job when we need money, etc. In your case it means seeking out those wonderful services that have been set up to help people find a spouse. These include Jewish matchmaking internet sites, community singles functions, going to a matchmaker in person, etc. I hope this is all of some help to you – and again, let me add my blessings that you find your husband speedily and happily. Blessings.
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