This week's Torah portion is Ki Tavo (Deut. 26,1-29,8), well-known for its list of curses and punishments that are liable to befall a sinful Israel. However, it opens with something totally different: The viduy [confession] that one must say when bringing his annual First Fruits to the Priest in the Holy Temple. Called the Viduy Maasrot (the Tithes Confession), it is recited as follows: "I have removed all the holy [tithes, etc.] from my house, and I have given them to the Levite and foreigner and orphan and widow, in accordance with all the commandments that You commanded me; I did not violate Your mitzvot and I did not forget… I have obeyed G-d's will, and have done all that You have commanded me." (26,13-14)

What is strange here is that the word viduy means "confession," stemming from the root meaning to "acknowledge" or "admit." With a heavy heart, one who says viduy admits to having sinned, and this helps him to deserve forgiveness. Yet in this case, we see that the person doesn’t confess to wrongdoing at all, but rather boasts that he has done everything right!

Self-criticism, and a lack of pride or satisfaction in some of what we have done in life, are without a doubt the key to teshuva (repentance) and improvement. However, sometimes we get so caught up in feelings of that type – criticism not only of ourselves, but of others as well – that we forget an important part of the equation: We're not so bad! We also do good things! And even sometimes when we sin or err, it is only after we have tried our best – and that's saying a lot!

These issues are dependent on our soul's inclinations. If we seek only perfection and absoluteness, then in truth we can easily develop feelings of despair, defeat, and non-forgivingness towards ourselves (in the better case) and towards the world (in a worse scenario). On the other hand, when our stance is one of constant striving for improvement, then we are filled with joy at every improvement we make, even if it falls short of the ultimate goal. We can have compassion on ourselves and forgive.

Thus, compassion leads to forgiveness – unlike in the Western world, where the trait of mercy is associated automatically with "giving in" and concessions. This is why in popular culture today, people are very quick to forgive themselves for various moral failings. However, the Western view is incorrect. Our Sages teach that "whoever says that G-d concedes and gives in [in forgiving us], may his [life] be ceded" (Bava Kama 50a). This means that when we ask for Divine forgiveness, we are not asking that G-d simply overlook our failings and sweep them under the carpet. This would be like a pupil begging his teacher to agree to give him full credit for saying that two and two equals five. The Divine truth must appear in the world.

The Hebrew word for mercy is rachamim, which stems from the word rechem, meaning "womb." The womb is where the fetus develops before birth, where new future life forms. Thus, the ability to be merciful [from the word rechem] and to forgive, both ourselves and those around us, is the ability to give trust, to enable life. We forgive ourselves not as a mere concession, but because we are doing our best. Though at a given moment we may be in a state of failure, we will learn from it and sprout new strengths that will lead us to our desired goal. The ability to forgive ourselves is the capacity to be patient and to understand that all of reality, including us within it, advances slowly and gradually. There are bumps in the road and failures along the way, but the general direction is always forward.

The mature approach understands that there is no such animal as "total victory" in our spiritual struggles. Someone who says, "From now on, I will never make that mistake ever again or commit that sin ever again" – is simply not telling the truth. One can definitely say that starting tomorrow he will improve a bit, and then the next day again, etc. This will help him forgive his failings and be able to live with them appropriately. If this year one was able to concentrate on prayer five minutes more than last year, or set additional study time, or speak less gossip and the like – these are great achievements! They should provide happiness and motivation to continue to make even greater progress. But do not expect absolutes!

RETURNING TO THE SOURCE

The days of this month of Elul are days of repentance and of sounding the shofar – with sounds that cry out to us to "improve!" [Shipur, improvement, is from the same root as shofar.] However, the shofar blast is more than that; it is also the manifestation of the original, Divine voice, the voice echoing from other worlds, splitting the air, reminding us that we belong to a complete universe, very far and beyond our narrow, problematic world.

The shofar is sounded in three stages: first a simple, continuous sound known as tekiah; then shevarim-teruah, which is a combination of broken, staccato sounds; and then another tekiah. This progression represents our lives: Life begins with a continuous, innocent, uncomplicated voice, like a tekiah. From there we descend into the complications of the world, as expressed by the broken-up and interrupted shevarim and teruah sounds. But after all the complications, we return again to the source, to the Divine voice of nature, to another tekiah. The soul returns to its origin, and we remember the perfection that stands at the foundation of our lives; we remember that in truth, we are actually simple and good.

The four stages of teshuva, as the Rambam explains, are: abandoning the sin; regretting the sin; confession; and resolving not to return to the sin. The third stage is viduy, which is not only related to "admission," as we said above, but also to hodayah – saying thanks to G-d. We are grateful to Him for giving us the wherewithal to have done good things this year, and we thank Him for our lives filled with so many great things, and for the ability to use our abilities to do our best: "I have done all that you commanded me" we say in the viduy maasrot – and then, the Torah says, "You shall be happy with all the goodness your G-d has given you and your household and the Levite and foreigner in your midst" (verse 11).

Translated by Hillel Fendel.