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Answer: We praise not only your willingness to forgo inheritance if halachically required but also for not trying to trick your parents in this regard.
There are times when parents’ gifts are ma’aser exempt. Rav M. Feinstein (Igrot Moshe, Yoreh Deah 112) says that when parents promise money to a child for his basic needs, the parents have the right to have the son not give ma’aser on it, as it, in effect, forces the parents to give more to cover those needs. Teshuvot V’hanhagot (III:282) says that if that son gives ma’aser against his parents’ conditions, it is considered stealing.
However, this logic does not apply in your case. Your parents are not giving you money for a specific purpose that will not be met if you give ma’aser but object to your use of what will be your money after their death (not before 120 years). This is like a parent who commands his child to not fulfill a mitzva, which is an illegitimate request (Bava Metzia 32a).
If your parents are serious about withholding all your inheritance over this matter and it is a large amount of money, then you can be exempted from ma’aser, as the Rama (Orach Chayim 656:1) rules that one does not have to spend an exorbitant amount of money on amitzva. Of course, tzedaka (ma’aser falls under its rubric – see Rambam, Matanot Aniyim 7:5) is expensive by its nature, but here we are talking about a large loss beyond natural tzedaka costs.
In general, there are three opinions as to whether the practice ofma’aser kesafim is a mitzva from the Torah (Tosafot, Taanit 9a), a Rabbinic obligation (Maharil 54), or a proper practice to accept upon oneself (Shut Chatam Sofer, YD 231). We believe that the third opinion is the strongest and thus if you use the above exemption, it is good to do hatarat nedarim on the practice of ma’aser kesafim in regard to this inheritance.
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There are strong indications that ma’aser kesafim is not a separatemitzva but a set of rules within tzedaka. Your parents are presumably not against your giving tzedaka but annoyed by the level and the automatic nature of giving ma’aser. However you solve the issue with your parents, it does not mean that in the long term, you will not be a less generous person. If inheritance and hopefully other sources and merits enhance your ability to give, you at some point might end up giving a similar amount of tzedaka as if you followed you the rules ofma’aser kesafim formalistically on the inheritance. (One may give more than 10% when he wants or not rely on leniencies that he used to.) We do not condone calculating the amount to add to make up for following your parents’ conditions, as this would be dishonest to them. But if it happens through natural dynamics over time, this is fine.
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