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Answer: Your question is very thoughtful, and the open communication with your cousins is fascinating.
We must distinguish between issues. The use of tinok shenishba stems from the Rambam, who distinguishes between people who left traditional Judaism and their children who were brought up with their parents’ viewpoints even if they are aware of the traditional system. The context is sanctions against those who undermine the accepted religious system, and he says they do not apply to the second generation. In addition to not being penalized, the Rambam says the sons should be peacefully engaged to enable possible return to traditional Judaism. Although he does not assume that successful outreach is ensured, the Rambam does not raise qualms that the outreach process, which must include elements of learning, suspends the tinok shenishba status. This is the standard approach in our times as well.
The more important question, which your cousins probably have in mind, is how Hashem views the individual who was largely not to blame for religious shortcomings due to lack of knowledge, and then begins to learn. However, employing tinok shenishba to this question is wrong on at least two counts.
On the one hand, it is largely too late. You know there is what to learn and what to observe. Just because you do not know all the details does not make you incapable of responsibility. Regarding the law of the land, for example, ignorance of the law is not an excuse (I spare you the Latin phrase), as one has the ability to find out. To decide not to learn the specifics and use it as an excuse to Hashem is like telling a policeman: "I didn’t know the speed limit because when I approached signs, I looked away."
On the other hand, we must not minimize the extent to which Hashem factors in the difficulty of one from what you call a secular background from accepting observance. Sometimes, he is not philosophically convinced about the need to observe the way Orthodox Jews do. Secondly, it is difficult to be significantly more observant than one’s family and surroundings, and it rarely happens overnight. These difficulties exist even if he learns Torah. Realize that the idea of more education raising divine expectations is not just for a "tinok shenishba," but for all Jews, who always have room to improve. If it paid to reduce Torah knowledge and inspiration to minimize culpability, Orthodox Jews should not provide their kids with a top education! Rather, we are expected to be realistically optimistic and give everyone the best chance at improving, no matter their starting point.
If one knows that an individual is sinning unknowingly and will not listen if corrected, it is better not to tell him. However, this is only in regard to limited details of observance and when the knowledge can be assumed not to help him. Not to give a person the opportunity to increase his connection with Hashem through Torah is unfair deprivation of one who lacked a fair chance. (Only one who is disrespectful or uses his studies to mock or fight against Torah should be excluded.)
One should use logic in choosing the "Torah curriculum", putting more emphasis on ideas that do not conflict with practice at home or can be implemented at least partially in the short term. We wish you many opportunities to study Hashem’s Torah and maximize its wide variety of benefits. May your cousins be wise teachers and you enjoy being an active participant.
Bemare Habazak - Rabbis Questions (654)
Various Rabbis
95 - The Need for a Shamash Candle These Days
96 - Losing Tinok Shenishba Status
97 - Feeding A Sephardi Something Permitted
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Kuzari -Rabbi Ari Shvat Kuzari class 8- "Answering Questions on the Kuzari's Proof from Mass Revelation
Rabbis in Midrash
Lessons
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Kuzari -Rabbi Ari Shvat Kuzari class 9 - "Seeing is Believing" (parag. 21-30)
These paragraphs elaborate on the theme that seeing and knowing is better than any attempt to prove logically, and begins explaining the difference between Israel and gentiles.
Ein Aya Various Universal Stages of the Geula Process
Rav Kook examines the various stages of redemption, explaining how (in addition to the obvious oft-mentioned stages of ingathering the exiles, reviving the Hebrew language, army, state etc.) the messianic dream of world prosperity, the State of Israel and world unity can and are realistically and logically gradually coming true.
Kuzari -Rabbi Ari Shvat Kuzari class 8- "Answering Questions on the Kuzari's Proof from Mass Revelation
How do we know that the "claim" of mass revelation to 2,000,000 witnesses at Mt. Sinai is really true? This important class answers all of the questions skeptics ask about this claim of the Kuzari.
Ein Aya Armies Still Necessary for Balance & the War Against Wars
Rav Kook explains why the world was originally divided into the various seemingly contradicting ideologies and cultures, in order to develop each one respectively. Swords or armies symbolize how each respective ideology defends themselves, as well as deters their opposing ideologies and cultures. On the other hand, the messianic era will be one of peace, and Rav Kook explains the transition to that stage, which mankind is already undergoing.
The Land of Israel LGBT'S IN ISRAEL
The question was asked, how can one make Aliyah with the LGBT parades?
Kuzari -Rabbi Ari Shvat Kuzari class 7 - Five Accumulative Proofs of G-d
As a preparation for the Kuzari's classic proof of G-d from the mass-revelation at Sinai, we start here with 5 other directions to strengthen our belief which also contribute to what the Kuzari will present as well.
Ein Aya Muscle & Meaning: The Dual Nature of Gevurah (Physical Strength)
Is physical strength and fitness a necessity or an ideal? Although it if often totally overlooked among topics of Judaism, Rav Kook writes that it clearly is also a necessity to deter the many enemies of Israel, but even in Y'mot HaMashiach, in the Messianic era, to a certain extent, it's ideal continues even after our enemies will have been finished off.
