YeshivaThe torah world Gateway
Beit Midrash
- Sections
- Chemdat Yamim
- Bemare Habazak - Rabbis Questions
What is the maximum that one should spend on a wedding?
Answer: We have to find the balance on the tricky matter of wedding spending. We will start with the reasons to spend significantly, and then temper that tendency with counter considerations.
The major expenses that Chazal foresaw (including a dowry) to enable a couple to get married have to do with the viability of building a comfortable home. The bride’s father was expected to set aside one tenth of his net worth for this purpose (see Ketubot 68-69). When parents are unable to properly equip their children, it is a great mitzva to help them and/or the young couple (see Sukka 49b).
Chazal also gave the wedding celebration great importance, including in comparison to other values. The term hachnasat kalla classically refers primarily to the procession of the bride from her father’s home to the home where the couple would live. The gemara (Ketubot 17a) says that Torah study is suspended for people (in addition to friends or family) to join the procession and that if the procession meets up with a funeral procession, the wedding party takes precedence.
The meal that follows is a seudat mitzva, which one is even allowed to plan on Shabbat (Ketubot 5a). Therefore, one can apply the rule that it is praiseworthy to go about it generously (see Bava Kama 9b). There are strong indications that the outlay of energy and expenses is assumed to be substantial. One of the explanations of the old custom that weddings take place on Wednesday is to make sure there are three days available (uninterrupted by Shabbat) to prepare the meal (Ketubot 2a). The following shocking halacha shows how challenging it is expected to be to have a materially appropriate wedding and how important it is to protect that goal.
If the father of the groom or the mother of the bride dies right before the wedding, the burial is pushed off until after the wedding ceremony and meal. Then the burial takes place, followed by a week of sheva berachot and finally a week of shiva (Ketubot 4a). Rashi (ad loc.) explains that the groom’s father and the bride’s mother are primarily responsible for the wedding’s material side and that if the wedding is pushed off after preparations were made, we are concerned that a future wedding will not be up to par. This is in significant contrast with Chazal’s view of burial expenses, which Rabban Gamliel reduced and standardized by example to ease the financial strain on families (see Ketubot 8b).
The Shulchan Aruch (Even Haezer 64:4) says that if the groom is not interested in having a proper meal and the bride’s side is, the bride’s side can force him to make a feast "according to his and her honor." This hints at one reason we cannot usually make an exact calculation of appropriate expenses: the matter depends on the two sides’ subjective standards. Someone who has fancy cars and a fancy house should have a relatively fancy wedding. Those who are more modest in means and spending can honor the event at a lesser expense.
The above is true, but is only one side of the coin. The other side is that a wedding should not single-handedly ruin a family’s financial situation or harm the couple’s prospect of getting their joint lives started with tranquility and reasonable provisions. Children should also not impose upon parents expenses that are beyond the parents’ responsibility, interest, and capability. On a communal level, there have been numerous examples of takanot (enforced guidelines) with rabbinic blessing or initiative to curb the spending even of people who want to pay for a lavish wedding (see sources in Hanisuim K’hilchatam 13:56). This could be needed during hard financial times or, during times of prosperity, when spending starts getting out of hand in a way that affects some individuals, or when weddings become so gaudy that they exceed Jewish good taste.
How an individual or a community is to know where to draw the line is, as they say, the $64,000 question (and we pray that weddings remain well below that price tag).
Bemare Habazak - Rabbis Questions (654)
Various Rabbis
4 - Question Parashat Vayishlach
5 - Question Parashat Vayeishev
6 - Question Miketz
Load More
Kuzari -Rabbi Ari Shvat Kuzari class 8- "Answering Questions on the Kuzari's Proof from Mass Revelation
Rabbis in Midrash
Lessons
fast navigation
Kuzari -Rabbi Ari Shvat Kuzari class 9 - "Seeing is Believing" (parag. 21-30)
These paragraphs elaborate on the theme that seeing and knowing is better than any attempt to prove logically, and begins explaining the difference between Israel and gentiles.
Ein Aya Various Universal Stages of the Geula Process
Rav Kook examines the various stages of redemption, explaining how (in addition to the obvious oft-mentioned stages of ingathering the exiles, reviving the Hebrew language, army, state etc.) the messianic dream of world prosperity, the State of Israel and world unity can and are realistically and logically gradually coming true.
Kuzari -Rabbi Ari Shvat Kuzari class 8- "Answering Questions on the Kuzari's Proof from Mass Revelation
How do we know that the "claim" of mass revelation to 2,000,000 witnesses at Mt. Sinai is really true? This important class answers all of the questions skeptics ask about this claim of the Kuzari.
Ein Aya Armies Still Necessary for Balance & the War Against Wars
Rav Kook explains why the world was originally divided into the various seemingly contradicting ideologies and cultures, in order to develop each one respectively. Swords or armies symbolize how each respective ideology defends themselves, as well as deters their opposing ideologies and cultures. On the other hand, the messianic era will be one of peace, and Rav Kook explains the transition to that stage, which mankind is already undergoing.
The Land of Israel LGBT'S IN ISRAEL
The question was asked, how can one make Aliyah with the LGBT parades?
Kuzari -Rabbi Ari Shvat Kuzari class 7 - Five Accumulative Proofs of G-d
As a preparation for the Kuzari's classic proof of G-d from the mass-revelation at Sinai, we start here with 5 other directions to strengthen our belief which also contribute to what the Kuzari will present as well.
Ein Aya Muscle & Meaning: The Dual Nature of Gevurah (Physical Strength)
Is physical strength and fitness a necessity or an ideal? Although it if often totally overlooked among topics of Judaism, Rav Kook writes that it clearly is also a necessity to deter the many enemies of Israel, but even in Y'mot HaMashiach, in the Messianic era, to a certain extent, it's ideal continues even after our enemies will have been finished off.
