I have been clean from wasting seed for over 5 months and today I fell. I don’t know how I can possibly do that to Hashem who gives me everything at all times. The scariest part is that one side of me feels so bad and wants to cry for days and the other side of me feels numb to the whole thing... How can Hashem ACTUALLY forgiving me. How could he forgive me after I promised 5 months ago that I wouldn’t do it again? And I knew I was going against Him this time and I still did it, and then right after I can just say sorry and feel bad and everything is fine? How can I be close to Him as I was before? To be honest I’m not even thinking about punishment I just want to chozer beteshuva bahava with all my heart and love for Hashem but something just won’t let me.. I can’t get myself to just pour out all my feelings, how can I not feel so sorry for hurting my Father who loves me so much?! I’m not sure what to do or think at this point I’m hoping you can help me.
Shalom I am sure that you feel terrible and very far from Hashem but He loves us even when we do the opposite of what He wants as long as we truly want to change and be close to Him. You must go through the proper stages of teshuva. You must recognize the sin, leave the sin and resolve not to sin again. If there is something stopping you doing teshuva this must be removed first. If you do not know what is holding you back you should try to introspect as to what this is. If you cannot come to a conclusion as to what the problem is then you should speak with a Rabbi who can guide you as to what this may be. I wish you much strength and simcha in your life. God loves you and He wants you to love yourself as well. Kol tuv